March 2023, strolling down Church St, GSO, moments later, powerful paranormal force magnetized me into the Fisher Park Triangle. Heard the horror stories, high strangeness, don’t go there at night. You might never come out. Then something bizarre materialized out of the night, an angry Bigfoot, with mesmerizing eyes psychically immobilized me. A UFO silently rose out of the ground. Mind blown, too mesmerized to scream or speak. Bigfoot slung me over his shoulder and carried me into the extraterrestrial craft. Heard Bigfoot talking in a bad Keplerian dialect, astonished I understood that off-planet speak. His Keplerian shoddy, I only caught some of the words he spoke to a big grey alien with menacing dark oval eyes: “Revenge, anal probe, him.” Horrified, I summoned up all my willpower to break Bigfoot’s mesmerization on me, whipped out a small can of bear spray from my back pocket, that I always had on me for protection, sprayed Bigfoot and the big grey. Worked! Shoved Bigfoot and the grey out of the UFO. Ran to the UFO controls, somehow knew how to use them, like I’d driven a UFO before. Joyrode in the skies over Greensboro, the craft’s invisibility cloak rendering it unseeable. Giant UFO, size of a football field, appeared overhead, sucked the UFO I was driving into it. Warp speeded to planet Kepler, landed. Human looking people hugged me like a prodigal son. Mind blown, perplexed, couldn’t speak. A tall, well-spoken Keplerian elder, dressed in a black suit, maybe their leader, snapped his fingers, and I woke up to my origins and my mission: to see if my humans-look-alike species could share your world and steal your women. So far no luck, seems earthling women don’t like Keplerian pick up lines. Hard up, screwed up, made the mistake of trying my best line on that Bigfoot’s wife by mistake – thought she was single.